Relational distress/attachment

Much of the work that I do with my clients focuses on relational distress (individuals as well as couples). This is not limited to relationships with partners — it extends to friends, family members, colleagues and, of course, the self. 

Relational distress manifests in different ways. Perhaps you and your partner have the same argument on repeat, never quite reaching resolution. Perhaps you find yourself withdrawing from people you love when you most need connection. Perhaps you give endlessly in relationships and receive little in return. Perhaps intimacy itself feels dangerous, even with people who have given you no reason to fear it. Perhaps you feel chronically unseen, misunderstood, or alone even in the company of others.

What most relational distress has in common is that somewhere along the way, closeness came to feel unsafe. Not because something is wrong with you, but because your nervous system learned to protect you from the pain that intimacy once brought. Those protective strategies made sense then but they are causing you to suffer now.

The good news is that what was learned can be unlearned. Attachment patterns are not destiny. With the right support, the nervous system can discover that closeness is possible without danger—and that being truly known by another person is not something to fear, but something to move toward.

Most suffering occurs in relationship.

Most healing occurs in relationship, too.

What attachment theory tells us (sources of relational distress).

Our earliest relationships — with parents, caregivers, siblings — teach us our first lessons about ourselves and the world around us. Is it safe to depend on someone? Will my needs be met or ignored? What do I have to do to keep love from going away?

What we learn from these lessons become templates. They shape how we attach in adulthood — how much closeness we can tolerate, how we respond when we feel threatened or abandoned and whether we reach toward our partner in moments of pain or pull away.

Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by researchers like Mary Ainsworth, Sue Johnson, Mary Main and Judith Solomon identifies four primary attachment styles:

  • Secure attachment — comfort with both closeness and independence; able to ask for support and offer it in return

  • Anxious attachment — a deep hunger for closeness accompanied by fear that it won't last; tends toward pursuit, reassurance-seeking, and emotional intensity

  • Avoidant attachment — a learned self-reliance that keeps others at arm's length; tends toward withdrawal, minimizing, and discomfort with vulnerability

  • Disorganized attachment — when the caregiver is simultaneously a source of comfort and fear, no consistent attachment strategy can form. In adulthood this often manifests as contradictory impulses toward both closeness and distance, deep difficulty trusting, and a nervous system perpetually braced for threat even in safe relationships. Most closely associated with relational trauma.

Most of us don't fit neatly into one category. Also, attachment styles are not fixed. Understanding your attachment style, and your partner's, is often the first step toward change.

How I can help.

I offer therapy for relational distress in-person in Mill Valley and San Francisco, and online throughout California. While I tailor therapy to each client, the approaches I favor are as follows:

When working with couples

PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy) — Helps partners understand their nervous system responses to each other in real time, building the safety and security that relational distress has eroded.

Gottman Method — Drawing from decades of research on what makes relationships succeed or fail, the Gottman Method gives couples concrete tools to interrupt the specific patterns—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—that predict relationship breakdown, and replace them with healthier ones.

When working with individuals

IFS (Internal Family Systems) — IFS help us identify and heal the inner parts that carry old relational wounds — the part that shuts down, the part that clings, the part that never quite believes they are enough. 

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) — EMDR helps us locate and desensitize the specific memories and experiences that formed the maladaptive relational patterns, so they lose their grip on the present.

It is important to note that the goal is not to “fix you” for a relationship. It's to help you become more fully yourself — and also to discover that the relationship you have with yourself is the foundation for every other relationship you have.